People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
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WHY?!
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER