Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

Jesus steals the winter solstice

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!