Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.

Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.

The Purge: Valentine’s Day

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.