People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
You Might Also Like
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*