People who hate candy corn love telling you.
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So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Sending in my taxes
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s