People who hate candy corn love telling you.
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Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
When you kidnap a writer.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Worlds greatest photobomb
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas