People who hate candy corn love telling you.
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I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride