People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
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Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*