People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
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everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
you’re so productive for your wage
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
if i had a bf i’d be a gf
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I am patiently waiting for your email
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
My time has come.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”