People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
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“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
#parenting
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that