Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8