Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

Sure. Why not?

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.