Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

Spotted in New Orleans.

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play