People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
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friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal