@Kelly_skeleton

People who have ‘taken’ in their bio, sit tight, Liam Neeson will around to collect you shortly

You Might Also Like

@batkaren

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

@JWilsonGA

Wife: I’m making breakfast for dinner tonight. What do you want?
Me: Bacon.
Wife: And?
Me: *blank stare*
Wife: AND?
Me: A napkin?

@RodLacroix

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

@BoobsRadley

Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick

Me: not if I’m banking on them eating my body

@WheelTod

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

@Browtweaten

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

@imence2

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich