i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
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Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Dietest Coke
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.