“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
People who have ‘taken’ in their bio, sit tight, Liam Neeson will around to collect you shortly
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Wife: I’m making breakfast for dinner tonight. What do you want?
Me: *blank stare*
Me: A napkin?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Female without the vowels is ‘FML’.
Need I say more?
Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick
Me: not if I’m banking on them eating my body
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich