Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?