People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
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I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
