People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
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My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit