People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
You Might Also Like
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Posting this on behalf of a friend
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.