People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
You Might Also Like
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Yup
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo