People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
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I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?