Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science