People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
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At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.