People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
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I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I think I’m having a stroke
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Kids, do not try this at home!
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*