People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
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DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?