People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

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Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.


It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this


Don’t have a “Garage sale” if I can’t buy your garage idiot.


It’s 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I’m still writing 2014 on my checks.


If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys,
I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.


Ten: Number of fingers children have.

Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.


Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”