@mattZillaaaa

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

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@samdunsiger

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

@celizario

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

@Brentweets

Don’t have a “Garage sale” if I can’t buy your garage idiot.

@wwwdotben

It’s 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I’m still writing 2014 on my checks.

@Aspersioncast

If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys,
I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.

@RummyLauded

Ten: Number of fingers children have.

Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.

@ItsAndyRyan

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”