People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

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The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.


All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”


“It’s only arson if you get caught”

~Things my sister says I’m not allowed to tell her kids


That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself


Steven King, Dean Koontz and Anne Rice have all announced their retirement stating: Nothing we write will ever be scarier than this election


[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what


This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.


I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning