People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
You Might Also Like
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time