People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
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Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.