People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
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Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Winnipeg!!
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
I was just discussing this with my cat
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room