People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
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At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
10: I think I want to run the 10k
Me: Girl, you don’t even want to chase down the ice cream truck
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
uncle dave has been through hell
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.