People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
🐕🍷
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
