People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Well, my evening plans are ruined
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Jesus Christ lmao
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
