People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
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I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
How to find Kentucky on a map
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
one week till the election
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas