people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
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Why is no one talking about this?!
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
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A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
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One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
The most precious boy
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher