people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
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Those are good neighbors.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Friends that check up on you >
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
The best plant holders?
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.