people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
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I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live