People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
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Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I’m going to need a moment here.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
went fishing caught a bass
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.