People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
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First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I really had high hopes for this year though
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings