Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.