People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
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Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
OH. COME. ON.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce