People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
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interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal