People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
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been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team