People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
how to have fun when you’re poor
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured