Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)