People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
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It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.