People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
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To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
scrabbled eggs
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.