Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.