Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

establish dominance at a funeral by crying first

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”

“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”

“You’re missing the point.”

“That’s the idea!”

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

🛁

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

beauty:

beast:

beauty: *sips tea*

beast: *sips tea*

beauty:

beast:

beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—

beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks