People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
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Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.