Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

Saw your ex at the shops

Smile Twitter, Smile.

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.