People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
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Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it