People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
You Might Also Like
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.