People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
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[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Mad Max Arctic Road
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Fun Things
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door