People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
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me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
don’t be scared
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.