Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

no one ever comes back

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

this is the greatest thing ever