People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
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If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house