People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
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Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group