People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
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Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
He a real one for that
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.