People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
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What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord