People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
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My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
