Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.