People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
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Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I enjoy a good short stor
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer