Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

O Wise One….

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!