Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.