@JermHimselfish

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

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@SladeWentworth

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

@weinerdog4life

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

@MelKassel

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

@JaneBadall

My son just referred to a beaver as a “wood-eater”. So I mulled it over in my mind for a bit and it would seem he’s correct on two levels.

@vinnycrack

Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you’ll end up ruining things like you always do, but how? The possibilities are endless.

@NoogsCorner

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.