People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
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*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.