CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.
You Might Also Like
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
My 7yo has a friend over and I’m pretty sure he learned how to whisper during a hurricane.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
It’s called a runway. But you taxi there. In a plane. Go home English, you’re drunk.
I just found out I passed my drug test…. Which means my dealer has some explaining to do.
“We feel that you just aren’t quite mature enough for the position.”
It’s the Velcro shoes, isn’t it.