I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
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My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.