@pizzajaynow

People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.

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@Busocco

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

@JoParkerBear

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

@stephenjmolloy

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

@Godhatespants

I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets

@TheClingyGF

If you’re not cheating on me, then why won’t you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.

@tweetsbyrocket

therapist: u suffer from social isolation

me: oh no

therapist: you just need to talk to people

me: OH NO

@Fact

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

@o__0Dev

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.