People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.

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nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”


My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.


Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.


If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science


Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…


*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?


CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap


Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”


[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job