nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.
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My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Turns out buying that meth lab on craigslist was illegal
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job