People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.

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How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.


*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them


<enter password>
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*


I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets


If you’re not cheating on me, then why won’t you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.


therapist: u suffer from social isolation

me: oh no

therapist: you just need to talk to people

me: OH NO


Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.


If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.