@pizzajaynow

People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.

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@BuckyIsotope

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

@amateuradam

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

@jergarl

My 7yo has a friend over and I’m pretty sure he learned how to whisper during a hurricane.

@CynicalTherapi1

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

@PetrickSara

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

@TheCatWhisprer

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

@TheThomason

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

@kunalrao

It’s called a runway. But you taxi there. In a plane. Go home English, you’re drunk.

@BareChesty

I just found out I passed my drug test…. Which means my dealer has some explaining to do.

@imadepoopstoday

[job interview]

“We feel that you just aren’t quite mature enough for the position.”

It’s the Velcro shoes, isn’t it.

“…yes.”