Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.