Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
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Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!