People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.