People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
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Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
hmmmmmm
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
A customer told me they were never coming back….
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.