People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
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Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*