People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
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bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Plumber: I think I found the problem
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I’m not proud
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
first you must answer his riddles
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.