People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
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[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Jupiter
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”