People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
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I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.