People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
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Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.